Nov 28, 2008

Hello Dolly

Out of all the scary movies I have seen and creepy lookin' people I have seen Dolly Parton scares me the most.

Nov 27, 2008

Dear Santa,

I was thinking this morning how vastly different my Christmas list is now compared to when I was say ummm 10. Let's compare shall we:

10 years old:
Dear Santa,
I am 10 years old. I hope you get this letter in time for Christmas because it's very important that I receive everything on Christmas morning. Here is my list:
1. Malibu Barbie-(I have already picked a name for her so it's important that I get it
2. An autographed t-shirt that I saw in the flea market of Joey Lawrence
3. I would like a Skip-it so I can count how many skips I do. Pink please
4. A pogo ball would be great to bring to school. Pink please
5. Please put lots of chocolate in my stocking because it's the only time of year my mom and dad let me eat it for breakfast.
6. Jewellery. Maybe a ring. Mood rings are pretty cool.
7. Real Doc Martin shoes. I was teased in the play ground for wearing fake ones. It wasn't nice.
Thanks Santa, I love you.
Oh yeah and scrunchees for my side pony tail and the Mini Pops album..the newest one if you have room.

27 years old
Santa Baby,
I'm gonna skip the b.s and get to the point. I know you're busy but aren't we all? I heard you got a big sack, so if you can just squeeze it all in that'd be great.
1. Please don't let what I think it is be an STD
2. Please get Rogers Wireless off my back about paying my bill
3. If you could just put a grand on my Visa that'd be great. Thanks.
4. Liposuction from a qualified doctor, preferably not in South America
5. A man. Any man. You pick. For christsakes you travel the world, there has got to be someone out there for me.
6. Maxi pads.
7. A ring from Tiffany's which clearly states it's from Tiffany's. I'm not kidding.
8. A maid. I don't live with my mom and dad anymore. I know you drop by there still but just make a detour this year.
9. Please don't put chocolate in my stocking. My ass and I are done with that. Just put gift certificates from Sephora. That would be great thanks.
Thanks, don't disappoint.

Nov 25, 2008

My Brownies...

Okay, so when a lot of women are down or stressed out we turn to chocolate or that one comfort food that essentially helps us to eat our feelings. My vice during trying times is chocolate. Due to the new owners of the convenience store located directly beside my apartment building, they have re-vamped it for the life of an emotional eater. Awesome.

I was in a bad mood and at the counter one day and decided to pick up one of these nicely packaged brownies. Although, I am not proud of this next statement, I made this a two week habit of getting a brownie everyday. I have now stopped this. Why you ask? Plenty of reasons....you know health, the fact that my jeans are getting tighter, AND THE WOMAN AT THE COUNTER SCREAMED ACROSS THE STORE TODAY WHILE I WAS PICKING UP A DIET COKE "WE ARE ALL OUT OF BROWNIES. I ORDERED SOME MORE, JUST FOR YOU...THEY WILL BE HERE TOMORROW."

Although the store was only packed with pre-pubescent adolescence on their lunch break from school, I am wildly embarrassed to be the neighbourhood brownie lady. I can't wait to start my water and lettuce diet tomorrow.

I can assure you that when the brownies arrive off that truck tomorrow, I will not be there. I will be at Mac's Milk.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 21, 2008

A little bit about me...

Some of you who read this don't actually know much about me so I thought that todays post would give you an insight into who Nanners really is...I personally think that it's the little things that make a person interesting...I am by no means going to start from birth and tell you details of my 1oth birthday party but just the things that make me tick on an everyday basis. So here I go....

I sleep with my window open all year round, I need cold pillows and a fan blowing on my face at all times when I sleep no matter what the temperature is; I think chocolate and mint should never meet only chocolate and peanut butter should exist; I hate peas (my father once told me that I would not be able to get down from the table when I was around 10 until I finished my peas...so I force fed myself the peas and then simutaneoulsy through them up in the centre of my plate to make a statement) I hate spicy food and beans; I could literally eat pizza for every meal, I dance in my room or in my apartment to really loud music when I am alone; when I wash dishes and my roomate is here I only listen to jazz music from the 1940's; I read People.com every single day, mainly to look at the pictures; I read magazines from the back to the front usually...just a habit that I started when I was younger; diamonds actually truly and sincerely make me really happy; I talk to my mother every single day about 5 or 6 times; I am smarter than people think I am...I can whip out facts that knock the socks off people; I am addicted to Wikipedia and I have it set on my google homepage; I love shows that involve murder and kidnapping...I really don't know why; I am pretty materialistic; I make my decisions based on emotion, not on logic..big downfall; I can't sleep on Christmas Eve no matter what-even though I am 27 the excitement of Christmas Day is so strong that I can't sleep; I bite my nails; bleach my hair; surf the internet for ailments that I think that I may have; I sometimes eat cookies or brownies for breakfast and then I feel really sick by 1pm; I always have to have my bed against a wall..so I can sleep against the wall; I can only sit in booths at restaurants...I get anxious sitting at tables in the middle of a restaurant; I can't touch cotton balls; because it gives me goose bumps and I dry heave; I have broken my right arm twice, my left arm once, broken my index finger in a New Years fire place accident, dislocated my ankle, broke my toe 3 times and was hit in the head with a line drive at the Blue Jays game and it cracked my skull and I suffered short term memory loss at the home opener on April Fool's day when I was 16; I am addicted to diet coke but I have cut back dramtically; I can imitate accents-my mom wanted me to become an interpreter for the government when I was a kid because I could pick up languages and dialects so quickly...can you picture me as an interpreter? I would be a UN forum being like "The ambassador from Moscow says you have a giant ass and yes, he has nuclear weapons." I wouldn't be able to take it seriously.

Anyway, my wrist hurts...I am done writing.
Happy Friday,
Nanners

Nov 20, 2008

Let's get physical...

So yesterday I am at the doctors for a complete physical....I hadn't had one in at least 11 years...yikes....Well let me tell you, besides the metal clamps (ladies you know what I mean) I will go for one every six months...that's the most action I have seen sober in a very long time.
I avoid physicals like the plague because I am afraid of the "did you know that you are growing a third nipple on your back" talk.
In all seriousness, the only reason why I booked one was because I have been reading too much Cosmo and anytime they report some sort of alarming statistic on women or they say "you should really take this up with a physician if it persists" I convince myself that I have whatever disease they are talking about. During yesterday's painfully awkward appointment when my doctor was staring at my cervix, I asked her if she thinks I am infertile, if she sees anything alarming,(amongst the plethora of many other questions that I will not write) then I asked her why she was laughing. You never want someone in your "no no special spot" laughing. She says to me "I am laughing at you...you are a bit of a hypochondriac." I told her that she "probably shouldn't be laughing while in that region, it make patients uncomfortable." I also told her that I am only there because Cosmo told me I should be. At the end of my embarrassingly unnecessary anxiety provoked appointment, she looks at me and told me to stop reading Cosmo.
I can't make any promises but I am definitely just going to look at the pictures from now on. Shows what happens when I actually start reading.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 19, 2008

A craft circle?

Okay, I am getting a little pissed off...maybe because it's 5am, but nonetheless, I get my horoscope delivered to me every morning in my inbox. Do you know how many times I wait for them to be like..."Oh,Amanda today is a lucky day for you in the love department..." Do you think that ever happens? No.
For example today I am supposed "Say how I feel instead of just thinking it." Ummm listen Cleo, I don't know if you want to be handin' out that kind of advice...there would be a lot of Geminis with a lot less friends.
In addition to me pissing everyone off by saying what I feel, today is a good day to "Join a craft circle or a knitting club..." Just a quick question do I sound like a girl that would thrive in a craft circle? "Nancy, your paper mache christmas tree is just fabulous." Personally, I wouldn't mind being able to knit shit since it would keep me warm, but a craft circle?? I'd sooner become a prostitute.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 18, 2008

Diamonds are girls best friend....

I woke on Saturday morning wanting throw in the towel to my week long gym regime. I paced my room, stood on the balcony to determine if it was too cold to go outside because I don't have a hat, thought about stubbing my toe that way it would be too fat to fit in my shoe, looked at how greasy my hair was and thought that it would just be an embarassment if I ran into a local that I made out with. This is how bad I did not want to go.

Then I lifted up my shirt in the mirror and put those running shoes on. So as me and my favourite granny panties (yes I wear granny panties to the gym as I was nearly split in half the last few times I wore thongs) I argued with myself (internally) and walked right past the gym.

THEN...I saw the light...no not heaven...the lights from the Estate Jewelery store in my neighbourhood. I was drawn to it all of a sudden. (Right now I realize that I have lost any chance with any male reading this because I am the girl that they run away from.) So I went and peered through the bars on the window and I heard a buzzing...that meant that they were letting me in despite my god awful appearance. So after going through three subsequent buzzings I was finally in state of euphoria.

Holy mother of Jesus I was surrounded by bling so I did the unthinkable to most people and sat down and tried on hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of diamonds. It may or may not have come out of my mouth that I was "getting ideas for my boyfriend for Christmas." This was false. If I had a boyfriend, I think that he may prefer it if I stuck to the gym and not the diamonds...that can get pretty scary for a guy. It's too bad diamonds come with so much symbolism and a heafty price tag.

After about 30 minutes of feeling like a complete jackass but thinking that the experience was worth every carat,I finally hiked up my granny panties and headed off to the gym in hopes that I would meet the man of my dreams that would love to shower my with diamonds and be happy seeing me in my granny panties. (These are only for the gym only so keep your comments to yourself...you know who you are.)

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 12, 2008

Quote of the day

"They call it PMS because Mad Cow disease was already taken..."

Nov 11, 2008

My skin condition...

Okay, so for those of you close to me, you know that I have a skin condition called Rosacea. For those of you wondering what the hell it is and why on God's green earth I am talking about it...it basically looks like you have been badly sun burnt or escaped a burning building. Literally, your face feels like it's on fire...It's particularly agitated by sun, heat, extreme cold, waking up and breathing.
For instance a couple years ago in Mexico, an old woman ran after me down the beach and started scream talking at me " GET OUT OF THE SUN HONEY, YOU ARE GOING TO BLISTER, OH MY GOD. HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF?" Although my initial knee jerk reaction was to punch her right in the uterus, I calmly scream talked backed to her "IT'S ROSACEA."
It didn't hurt. But bitch should have minded her business. When I see people on their vacation, I don't approach them and say "OH MY GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE A BURN VICTIM, GET OUT OF THE SUN." As if they couldn't feel it if it's that bad.
Anyway, I am just pissed off today since Microsoft Word my email and my blog for that matter does not recognize the word Rosacea. For instance, when I spell check, the following suggestions come up: Rosa's, Races, Rosana, Roses, Rosales. I am not referring to a Mexican restaurant. I think it's about time us red faced people unite and write Microsoft.
Help us find a cure people.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 10, 2008

Elevator Etiquette

As I left my friend's 33rd floor condo on Sunday morning, I just knew that the elevator would hit every floor on the way down. Of course this became a fact.
I got in and there were already 4 other people in there...I immediately wondered where they were going but that soon left my head as I caught a glimpse of myself in the elevator mirror and as a result vomited in my mouth.
I stood in the corner avoiding the mirror as well as the four other strangers by staring at the floor numbers at the top of the elevator. The way I see it is you have 3 options when in an elevator which can be oddly uncomfortable because I hate silences.
You can :
a) stare at the numbers with everyone else;
b) stare at the back of the head of the person who decided that squeezing in was a good idea;
c) play with your phone and pretend you are typing a very important text, even though you have no reception.

Anyway, I digress, so after stopping on the 30th floor my elevator of awkwardness stops at lucky #28.
I say lucky because I have never been as lucky as I was that Sunday morning, when the elevator doors opened and a gentleman eating a GIGANTIC EGG SALAD SANDWICH hopped in. Are you f'ing kidding me? Everyone in their right mind, knows that egg is a little off smelling...I do enjoy a good egg salad sandwich on the odd occasion but I would never dream of eating it in an elevator FULL of people. At least keep it wrapped jackass until you get out of the elevator. Eat it on the street and let the wind waft egg up people's nasal cavity but don't eat it in an enclosed area.
As I watched him from behind, I also bore witness to the tiny bits of egg that fell on the floor due to his abnormally large bites he was taking.
It felt like an eternity of egg smelling, baby vomiting in my mouth, people avoiding, number watching, elevator riding, pure awkwardness.
I was spitting angry.

Nov 7, 2008

The Claim

I wonder if you can make a disability claim for "excessive inner thigh rubbing due to growth of inner thighs which is caused by emotional eating from stress" Or. "Extreme pre mentstrual symptoms which causes employee to want to harm people, small animals or throw objects. Considered a danger in the workplace."

Nov 6, 2008

The Subway

One of the many things which I hate about the subway is how close people stand to you and breathe on the back of your neck with their smelly breathe. Now if I was feeling randy and it happened to be a hot man breathing ever so softly on my neck then maybe I wouldn't care. However, the chances that happening are about the same as me winning back my $4 on Cash for Life ticket.

The one thing that really, really pisses me off about public transportation is that the fact that completely mobile seniors or "golden aged citizens" feel it's a right to have a seat. Nope. We give seniors our seats because we think of our own little grandmas and great aunts who struggle or we sincerely believe that this elderly person is unable to stand so we politely give them our seat. I do it all the time and I see a lot of others do it too. HOWEVER, yesterday, we stop at Bloor station, one of the busier, more crowded stops on route and I see this old woman running (not limping) with a million bags in her hand and she literally shoves her way to the front of the platform so she could hop on and get a seat.

She gets right in front of me and is staring at me suggesting with her eyes that I get up to move. Nope not me. I thought to myself " Hold on saddlebags, you just elbowed a small child in the esophagus and knocked your bags into a lady holding a cup of coffee, you ain't sittin' here grandma." Common courtesy. You just ran bitch, you have the capability to stand and perform martial arts to get your way to the front of the line to get on the train. So she stood there and stared at me and huffed and puffed the whole way home. I just pretended I didn't see her as she rested her Bowrings bag on my foot.

Oh yeah, one other thing, say if there is a row of 3 seats. One person on either side and the middle seat is free...try and remember the circumference of your ass before you try and squeeze in the middle seat. Generally, we are aware of how large or small our body parts are and where they may or may not fit. There was a while when I was knocking things off of tables and not realizing it and it turns out it was my ass, but I got used to it. SO please don't sit on my lap. Have some ass courtesy. The only things that go on my lap are:
1.)male strippers for a lap dance
2.) the crumbs of my food

So screw off and sit somewhere else.
I am not having a very good day so this was written with a hint of anger if you couldn't tell.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 4, 2008

Mojave Desert

So I was in the Condom Shack on Queen St. today and I am standing in line to buy flavoured condoms which will only expire in my night stand, and the spanish lady in front of me was debating over what size lube she should get. " Chu tink dat dis size is gon e be enaf?" IT WAS 2 LITRES. I remember standing there and thinking "If your vajay jay is as dry as the Mojave Desert, perhaps install a sprinkler system in the bedroom or get a new man. Jesus woman. Stop wasting my time, I need to get my condoms home to practice putting them on bananas."

Quote of the day

Some of us in life are just naturally blessed with good luck. Others are blessed with frizzy hair. To those of you without frizzy hair...up yours.
Author-Nanners

Nov 3, 2008

The Catwalk

Most of you reading this are likely familiar with shows such as America's Next Top Model and Project Runway, you know, the shows that are like watching little centipedes in clothing walking down a runway.
Anyway, part of me is writing this post in admiration that they in fact have cheek bones, and their rolls don't sweat while they sit.
Since it was the weekend and I have recently, subscribed to Cosmo t.v, there are a plethora of model/I want to be famous shows on which I am embarrassed to admit I have become captivated by.
So this morning I did a little experiment. I woke up this morning feeling like shit and decided that I should probably feed my shittiness with a litre of ice cream so I went to the grocery store at around 9am. (Which in my neighbourhood is prime time for traffic.)
Being inspired by all the model shows that I watch, I stuck on my sunglasses (to heighten my fashionista qualities-even though I was in jogging pants and a winter jacket) in addition to this I decided to try and do the "catwalk walk" if you are unfamiliar with what I am talking about I think you may live in a hole in the wall but I will explain it to you. Basically, it's one foot directly in front of the other. I know your like " dah....that's how you are supposed to walk" but this is a little more exaggerated. So I tried it for the first and last time.
As I approached the hotel close to my apartment walking like an absolute lunatic, I thankfully side glanced what I looked like in their dining room windows and IMMEDIATELY stopped. It looked like I was actually let out on a day pass. I am very embarassed and my reasons for attempting this walk alone and not amongst friends as a joke are questionable.
I really wish that I could say that I was drunk and I am really wondering if I should be posting this, but if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at right?
Mother of God, I have a doctor's appointment on Friday...let's see if she can increase my meds.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 2, 2008

Ooops

Hey Sandra, (she's my roomate)
You know the other day when I was vacuuming my room? Well I accidentally vacuumed up the eye mask that you let me borrow to help me sleep. I am telling you this on here to see if you actually read my blog.
If you are upset/outraged, can we please discuss after the Amazing Race tonight?
I will replace it.

Smooches,
Nanners

Nov 1, 2008

I said what?

Most of us are born with filters from our brains to our mouths. I, on the other hand, am a special breed of species who at anytime will say something deemed socially inappropriate or something that will make a room fill with silence. As far as I know, it's nothing offensive that I say it's just plain awkward. I believe it's more awkward for me as it usually involves me giving something known as TMI (Too much information.)
What triggers these events? Liquor.

I am sure many of you can relate to waking up the next morning after an evening of drunken debauchery and have spent most of your day on the couch wondering what the hell happened last night?Why did I order two street meat specials? Why did I drunk dial that person? Where the hell are my pants?What is that taste in my mouth? Where is my phone?Did I barf last night? How did I get home? What is the name of the guy/girl in my bed? Why won't this stranger leave? How come I have no money in my wallet? Why did I steal the microphone from the lead singer in the live band? What is this substance in my hair? Where is my right shoe? Why did I eat that wet nap on a dare? Did I call that girl a whore to her face? I peed where?

Truth is, the above can be the harsh reality of drinking...at least for me anyway. As the holiday season approaches I am mentally preparing myself to reduce my liquor intake which I hope will resolve my diarrhea of the mouth and limit the amount of embarrassing incidents. Unfortunately, there is no prescription for this ailment. I have googled it.

If you or any of your friends can relate to any of the examples I have made, then please see below my list of tips that I have prepared for a night of drinking followed by a day of regrets.

1. When meeting new people in a social situation and there are cocktails involved, try and gage their maturity level before impressing them with your ability to guzzle, chug, chant drinking songs, or throw out the "f" bomb uncontrollably.

2. If you wake up the next morning with a raging hangover and the previous evening is a gaping black whole in your mind, wait before you pick up the phone to find out exactly what you said or did. I find if you give it time, you have flashbacks. The blow is much easier to your ego when you remember and are not reminded by friends who are scream laughing at you on the other end of the phone.

3. Throughout the course of the evening, if you feel the urge to call your ex or "friend with benefits," pass your phone to a friend for safe keeping. You will thank them in the morning.

4. Sometimes we are unable to predict if we are going to be mad drunk, sad drunk, or "oh my god you were so much fun" drunk, if you do take the route of mad drunk, try not to pick fights with the bar tenders, waitress, the coat check girl about her losing your jacket while you are wearing it, and bouncers. Being escorted out or being "suggested to leave" is not very lady like. Especially at 6pm.

5. Do not confuse alley ways for a washroom. Once you have broken the sacred seal ladies, there is no going back. If you must pee in an alley way which is an absolute last resort but does seem like the easiest idea at the time, then make sure that you not only pull down your pants, but do not forget to pull down your underwear since being known as the girl that smelt like urine isn't the most flattering compliment.

6. Use your indoor voice.I have been hearing this all my life. I was born a scream talker so this concept is hard for me to grasp even while I am sober. The more of "grandpa's old cough syrup" you have does not mean that everyone in the room has suddenly becoming hearing impaired.

7. Limit the amount of random "I love you" conversations to about 2 people. Preferably...people you don't know. Then you don't have to deal with the awkward aftermath. Although it is a wonderful feeling to hear those three little words, some are creeped out by the fact that you love them so much... especially your boss.

8. Keep your "I'm sorry for being so drunk last night" emails short, sweet and thoughtful. Throw in a few compliments like "Hey, it was so great to see you last night. Have you lost weight? Man, that bartender was pouring some stiff drinks. I am sorry to hear that someone threw up on your jacket," (even though it was you...wait for their response and play dumb.)

9. If you are taking public transportation home, ensure that you remain awake for the entire ride as you may miss your stop and it could possibly take you to the wrong destination on the other side of town. What should have been a 20 minute ride could potentially turn into a 3 hour journey. One you are likely not to forget and one you would rather just keep to yourself. Invest in a Redbull or a cup of coffee before hopping on.

10. Don't exchange numbers with your new friends that you have made in the ladies washroom. Yes, you may have bonded over lipstick shades, how men are bastards and hair styles from the stall next door, but in reality your new friends are a little nuts.

11. If you want to hand out your business card, be sure to take a good look at what card you are giving to your potential Friday night date. As drinking may make your vision slightly blurry, confusing your business card with your gynecologists appointment card can be awkward.

12. Don't ask "What happened last night?" In front of a group of people. There are bound to be people that will gladly chime in their part of the story..and believe me there are usually many. Walk away if "what happened last night?" slips out of your mouth. You are better off not knowing and you don't want to hear "....BUT the best part was...." Leave. Leave now.

Just for the record, none of the following events stem from personal experience. These are just stories I have heard, I am just a really good listener....Well I am off to clean my halo.

Smooches,
Nanners

The Walk

Okay so today I went out for a little while...it was nice...until I started my journey home.
Now for most of you who have travelled on the TTC ,know that it is a cesspool of germs and creepy smelly people. The great thing about my life, is that the creepy smelly people seem to take a liking to me. Just who I am looking for to bring home to Mom and Dad.

As I sat on the subway this afternoon, a homeless man was blantantly and creepily peering at me from the seat opposite to me. Awesome.

I thought that I would be able to ditch this guy when I got off at my stop. False. Looks like his dumpster is located in my neighbourhood. He proceeded to follow me off the subway and right on to the street...I know this since I have superior side glancing abilities. Then he decided he would like to strike up a conversation...Which at this point I could hear him muttering something about a dumpster....ummmm that's when my pace picked up as well as the volume on my mp3. I am not sure if he was giving me his address or telling me that's where he will dump my body. I felt like turning around and saying "Listen, let's cut to the chase. I don't have any money, here's my wallet..check it out. And if I did have money I would spend it on carbs and fat burners so seriously, you're following the wrong girl."
I eventually took a side street and ditched my lover and it turned out to be a BETTER IDEA because of the following:

1.) As I was walking by the apartments in my neighbourhood, I was nearly struck by a black Lexus speeding out of an underground parking garage going at about oh I would say 100 km. Perhaps instead of the "Tenant only parking" sign, they should replace it with sign which cautions PEDESTRIANS. I am thinking this may work. "Caution. Douchebags may exit garage at high speeds. Good luck." I would love to work for the city and create signs for subways and parking lots.

2.) Just as I recovered from my mild coronary, A guy I kissed last summer in a local bar was out in the neighbourhood walking his dog. I know you may be thinking that's trashy and I am too old for that shit but it was the litre of vodka that made me do it.Plus I guarentee you, 99% of you reading this have made out with a guy/girl in a bar. It was super awkward since we were supposed to go out and then we never talked again. So yet again I was found running/walking with my head staring straight at the pavement trying to dodge this guy. I am pretty sure he saw me doing my weird running/walking down the sidewalk so I think I actually attracted his attention by acting so f'ing ridiculous. Honestly, I feel like I am 5. The number of streets in my neighbourhood that I can walk down without panicking are now becoming limited because of my wierdness.

I'm really glad I left the house.

Smooches,
Nanners