Apr 25, 2009

Just a little one

Just a couple things...I am sick which is why I am not avidly updating my blog with random nonsense. I believe it's the horse tranquilizers that my doctor prescribed me that leave me coherent for all of an hour. Nothing exciting happens to me except for today...two things...

1. Since I have severe hot flashes, I have all my windows and doors open and a fan on my face...and a bird briefly flew in my apartment and flew right back out. I peed a little on my couch.

2. I have learned that episodes of Cops filmed in New Jersey is way funnier than the Cops episodes filmed in the deep south. I think the east coasters are way more creative when it comes to lying. Southerners on the other hand, aren't actually lying about getting their clothes being stolen while looking for their cat and happened to find meth at the mini mart while trying to buy a pack of smokes and a DVD player all at the same time.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend. NOT.

Apr 22, 2009

Blog Postings

So, the girl that I pay to write this is in rehab for about a week. Therefore, there will be no updates until further notified.
I am so disappointed in this broad.

Apr 17, 2009

So as if I haven't exposed enough of my personal life, I am about to expose more....

Lately, I have been feeling more pissed off than usual-meaning Gordon Ramsey pissed off (but totally internally)....I would never walk into a room and call someone "A lazy fat fuck and tell them their grilled salmon is rubbish and belongs in the trash"...although I may think it.

I am not a chef, but I think you get my drift.

Anyway, so I went to my doctor to tell her about my insane tendencies and she gave me "anti-irritants." Who knew those existed? She said that "it will help take the edge off." Then of course I piped up and told her "I think booze does the same thing." That didn't go over very well.

So needless to say, I tried them...they made me feel high as a kite and no, I will not tell you what they are called as I am trying out selling them in China town...I may have found my calling.

So I stopped taking them but do carry them in my purse for parties. Just kidding.

This blog post is about just one litte thing that is currently getting right under my skin...You know when you are driving along (I have self diagnosed myself with clinical road rage if that even exists) Anyway, you are driving along and you are in a residential area and the person in front of you is turning into their driveway. WHY WHY WHY....does it take them an eternity to actually pull in? Dude, it's your own garage, if you run into it, just fix it, or if you are busy looking at your petunias, get out and look at them...in fact eat them for all I care. Or if you are texting, text from your parked car. Better yet...get in your house. But take your foot off the break, stop looking at your lawn or whatever the hell you are looking at and pull your damn car in your damn driveway.

Thank you,

Apr 15, 2009

Excuse the mess...my car doesn't usually look like this...

You know when you are picking up a friend for the first time or they unexpectedly ask you for a ride home? Then you get to the car and shove aside the wrappers, c.d's, Tim Hortons coffee cups and random papers? Then you casually say as you are frantically cleaning off their seat..."Sorry, it doesn't normally look like this." YOU ARE LYING. YES. YES IT DOES.

(for the record this is not my car and I have no idea who that person is)

Just as a side note, in a convenience store parking lot, I rolled down my window and called a guy a douche bag and it felt very liberating today. "I normally never do that." YES. YES I DO.


Apr 12, 2009

This may explain a lot...

For my new readers, welcome. For my older readers, can you please post your comments on my blog instead of emailing them to me? I would look a lot more popular.

To welcome my new readers, I thought that by sharing a few quick facts about myself, you would feel more enticed to read my blog if you found me remotely amusing. And also if you are male and find me amusing maybe you could invite me out for an expensive steak dinner and a litre of wine.

I really enjoy lists, so here I go. (In no specific order)

1. My father sounds like Shrek and my mother is straight from Newfoundland...I am destined to be screwed up. Both are scream talkers and I am partly hearing impaired as my friends have told me. (I am still trying to figure out what they are talking about.)
2. Growing up, I was never into playing in the dirt, I was into watching soap operas, Dallas and Murder She Wrote with my mother.
3. When we finally got rid of our Atari computer in high school, I would invite friends over and go into chat rooms and say really dirty things and pretend my name was "Summer" and I was from Miami. (To my friends who know about this, keep your comments to yourself on this one.)
4. I was voted class clown at my high school prom. What was more of a joke was my dress and my hair. I looked like an escort.
5. My hair is naturally a nice shit brown colour.
6. I have an amazing brother who has taken me to get all two of my tattoos...
7. You will never meet someone who enjoys crime shows more than me. My roommate is convinced I would be able to commit the perfect murder.
8. I will publicly admit that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to guys. Watching me pick up is like watching an episode of Blind Date. (Meaning you feel cheap and violated for even watching)
9. I am an insomniac...the only way I sleep is with a handful of pharmaceuticals or if I black out.
10. I picked up garbage at the Toronto zoo for 3 years during University and then 1 extra one after...that's what my degree got me. While others dry heave at the smell of garbage and gorilla shit, it brings back the sweet memories of summer and my heat rash.

Thanks for reading.

Apr 11, 2009

Typical Saturday morning....

This is what I looked like when woke up this morning. I only discovered this when I walked by the window at Hasty Market and caught a glimpse of myself. By that point it was too late to turn around as I had called in an order of pancakes at the Golden Griddle.

To be truthful, this girl actually looks a lot better than I do...I also have rosacea which means I look like a burn victim when I am not wearing makeup. I would love to explain what it is but in summation, my skin gets insanely red and strangers feel compelled to ask if I am alright or if I need sunblock. It's not recognized by spellcheck yet which really pisses me off.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Smooches, Nanners

Apr 10, 2009

Up Yours...

First off, this is going to be a short blog as I believe I pissed out my liver this morning.
(Speaking of pee...today for the second time in my life, I also peed a little when I sneezed. Pretty sure that I will be in diapers a lot sooner than my parents.)

Anyway, have you ever had one of those days when you walk down the street and people are smiling and laughing and you think to yourself "Up Yours" Well, it's one of those days for me.

Why you ask? Well, my credit card debt has sky rocketed through the roof as I shop when I am stressed, I am looking more and more like our large and in charge Canadian singing sensation Rita McNeil as I am eating my feelings, I found out I started a small fire in a potted plant at a party I was at last night...it was only discovered AFTER we had gone out and my friends Megan and Laurie smelt smoke coming from the balcony, the taste in my mouth is not disappearing with toothpaste or mints, I have constant heart burn coupled with exhaustion, panic and sweatiness (maybe the ol' ticker is actually giving out.), I checked my phone this morning and was spitting angry at myself for all the messages that I felt were necessary to send to people and frankly, my inner thighs hurt as they have been touching since 1995.

That is all.

Apr 9, 2009

Freeze Mam, Put the Phone Down...

What is it about drinking that makes people want to type so badly? Speaking from personal experience, I know there are tons of things I feel necessary to text/pin past 12am. It is very important for people to know where I am, how much I love them, how drunk I am, and if I would like them to come over at 3am for a slice of pizza.

The cardinal rule of drinking is to return home with your phone. When I return home with my phone, I know that is one less thing I need to panic about. But the REAL panic sets in when I check my sent texts, sent emails, sent pins, dialed calls, and call duration.

Let's outline a morning after drinking for Nanners shall we?
1. Wake up and change into my pajamas as my clothes are still on.
2. Locate my purse...I usually just follow the trail of pizza sauce to it.
3. Reach inside and hope that I don't have a stock pile of taxi drivers phone numbers (which means I have been to multiple destinations of which I have no recollection.)
4. FIND MY PHONE. (Say a tiny prayer to our sweet Jesus that I have not sent hate or creepy love messages to people)
5. Start checking outboxes, in boxes, pins, emails, outbound calls, inbound calls and call duration. (Call duration is VERY important if you are black out drunk and have no idea what you could have possibly said at 3am for 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
6. Start the apologies. (The trick here is to either PRETEND that you remember talking to them or LAUGH it off in a text message...Examples below.

The two types of next day texts are as follows:
1. This is called the "HEY YOU!" text. At this point you recognize that you have made a call and can't remember what the f you were talking about. Here is what you text.

"Hey it was so great talking to you last night! We should do drinks soon!"
Response time is crucial here people...If you don't hear anything back within 8 hours, make a call.

2. This is called the "OMG!" text. This text is the one where you realize you sent an inappropriate message asking for sex or strange requests in the middle of the night. Here's what it will read.

"OMG!" I was so drunk last night. Sorry for the message."

Please feel free to use these tips as these are rules I live by.

Apr 2, 2009

So that's what it feels like to shave your legs...

As Oprah would say " It's an Aha moment."

I literally have not seen my legs since the summer of 2005 when I was picking up like mad...Then again I was about 100 lbs lighter. In other words, I have gained an 8th grader, which in turn makes it quite dificult to pick up these days. So I forfeited shaving my legs. My life is about crisis management so I figure, why run the risk of slipping and falling in the shower while being bent over shaving? If you know me. you will know that this is a possible scenario.

Since I no longer have the texture of a mountain lion, I look forward to putting on my pants for that warm fuzzy sensation of cloth against skin and not a brillo pad. I also look forward to getting into bed tonight to see what my sheets feel like.

I guess the next step is moisturizing?

Have a fantabulous day.