As a last resort, I could go back to online dating but between my previous experience (which made me want to sleep with a knife under my pillow and get my hole sewn shut) and my friends experience of just plain creepiness, I fear it just ain’t gonna work. Unless that is, if these dating sites could add more categories so you know what you are signing up for. Let me explain.
If you are unfamiliar with the online dating world, there are typically 4 things that people say they are looking for.
3) Long Term
4) Intimate Encounters (Ew.)
I think that the categories I’ve created below would be really useful so that people could lower their expectations, save a 2 hours of their life that they’ll never get back, and spare everyone involved from having to shave.
Category 1- I love my dog more than people, but it just won’t blow me.
Category 2- I am just on here to see if I am as socially inept as I believe.
Category 3-Serial dating is far cheaper than therapy
Category 4-I just want to play a game of “just the tip.”
Category 5-I look the exact opposite of my photo…still want to meet?
Category 6-I just got divorced and I need to find out if I am as emotionally fucked up as my ex says I am.
Wouldn’t this make things much easier?
P.S. Please don't ask me to try eHarmony-I did that two years ago and called and scream cried for my money back. Perfect match my ass. None of my matches were in Canada. Plus, if you haven't noticed they have used the same 4 couples for all their commercials for the past 2 years. That's a red flag.
Also, there's a good chance that people are going to write to tell me that "my friend met her boyfriend online and now they're married." Isn't that nice? I don't want to hear it.