Apr 19, 2010

Dating Shmating...

Summer is coming and so is my period (I hope.) There is something about the summer that just makes me want to have sex date. But for reals, it’s super hard to meet someone quasi normal to go out with. I typically meet real fucking winners. Flashback: Going back to the night the Canadian men’s hockey team won the Gold, I was at a bar with my friend and she was being told how beautiful she was and I was pulled aside by a guy who said “if we went home together he’d promise to destroy me in bed.” Oh that’s so romantic! You would like to destroy me? You promise? My cha-cha is tingling just thinking about it. Are you gonna put rose petals down first Cassanova? Douche bag. I’d like to meet the hooker that line worked on.


As a last resort, I could go back to online dating but between my previous experience (which made me want to sleep with a knife under my pillow and get my hole sewn shut) and my friends experience of just plain creepiness, I fear it just ain’t gonna work. Unless that is, if these dating sites could add more categories so you know what you are signing up for. Let me explain.

If you are unfamiliar with the online dating world, there are typically 4 things that people say they are looking for.

1) Friendship
2) Dating
3) Long Term
4) Intimate Encounters (Ew.)

I think that the categories I’ve created below would be really useful so that people could lower their expectations, save a 2 hours of their life that they’ll never get back, and spare everyone involved from having to shave.

Category 1- I love my dog more than people, but it just won’t blow me.
Category 2- I am just on here to see if I am as socially inept as I believe.
Category 3-Serial dating is far cheaper than therapy
Category 4-I just want to play a game of “just the tip.”
Category 5-I look the exact opposite of my photo…still want to meet?
Category 6-I just got divorced and I need to find out if I am as emotionally fucked up as my ex says I am.

Wouldn’t this make things much easier?

Nanners.

P.S. Please don't ask me to try eHarmony-I did that two years ago and called and scream cried for my money back. Perfect match my ass. None of my matches were in Canada. Plus, if you haven't noticed they have used the same 4 couples for all their commercials for the past 2 years. That's a red flag.

Also, there's a good chance that people are going to write to tell me that "my friend met her boyfriend online and now they're married." Isn't that nice? I don't want to hear it.

Apr 16, 2010

The Goss

Okay. Enough with the Kate and Jon Gosselin fiasco. They have 8 kids. Good for them. The thought of having 8 kids actually sends me into a state of vajagony. (Vagina+Agony.) Literally.

If you haven't seen Kate on Dancing With the Stars, I urge you to tune in if only to watch her dead weight be dragged around the floor by her dance partner. She walks;not dances. It actually burns my eyes. She has about as much talent as Heidi Montag's left breast (speaking of Heidi, she and her douche bag husband recently appointed themselves Indian names in order to keep idiocy alive.) Omg. Even typing this I am becoming infuriated with all this H-Wood insanity. I am almost as mad as the morning I woke up and discovered I wasn't a virgin anymore. Ugh.

Anyway, back to my point. I really and truly, from the depths of my soul, do not understand what all the fuss is about the Gosselins. From my understanding wasn't she just angry all the time and he was just a douche? If that's what they are getting attention for then fire it up TLC, you can come live with me...I am typically pretty angry. Ridiculous.

Happy Friday

Creepy Scream Singer

Hi. I'm Amanda and I'm a scream singer. Sometimes when I am at the Grammys  in my car , I will purposely drive past my destination and take another lap just so I can scream sing. Pedestrians and passengers think my scream singing is destructive. But I don't care. I can't be stopped. I also pee when I sneeze-this is irrelevant but I feel like sharing is caring.

Getting back on track.

Today was a day when the nice weather and lack of sleep provoked me to scream sing with the windows down. Completely uninhibited. So I drove past my house and up into the area that my brother was working in (he's a landscaper) so I could pay him a visit. As I am driving, the wind was forcing me to choke on my hair and the sun was burning my retinas. Perfect. I spot my brother in the distance. So I lay on my horn and start cat calling him, "Ow Ow Owwwww." Through the screaming I am frantically waving and I manage to pull over in front of him. He's about 40 feet away and he's hesitantly waving back at me but not walking towards my car. So I begin screaming "what's up my brother? What's the good word my man? What is shaaaaakkkkking?" I was just trying to embarass him but as I am typing this now, I am getting the feeling I am a flat out lunatic. And ew. Who cat calls their brother?

So I began to get angry at him as he is still not moving, just blankly staring at me. So I follow up my one-way convo by screaming at him "What the fuck? Why aren't you moving asshole?" (This is how we talk to eachother...I do not speak like this to other people. For realsies.)

Now I am pissed. And then it finally dawned on me...I just assumed this was my brother. I haven't actually done my official Nanner's squint to get my vision in focus.

I squint. It's not my brother. In fact it's literally a giant man-child in a garden. I would say at the max he was ummmm 16? I cannot even imagine what was running through this childs head. It's clear to me now as to why he wasn't walking towards my car...he didn't want to be a 20/20 special. Not only am I a spinster; I am a creepy, creepy, scary woman.

I'll just do the cops a favour and pre-print my own wanted poster. In fact stay tuned for my new blog on my journey to prison..."Nanners in the Slamma."

Nanners.

Apr 15, 2010

Spinster

Due to the high volume of crude questions I have been recieving (specifically from friends) for my advice column, I have decided to forgo the Q & A idea until I can get some of these vile images out of my head. You are sooo lucky I am not naming you and putting your questions up. In lieu of this, I have decided to discuss more important topics...such as spinsters.

When I use the term "spinster," I am not referring to someone who teaches professional cycling. I speak of single ladies who have a fear of dying in their parents basement. Generally speaking, if you are a spinster, you know it. You definitely don't need someone to remind you. I'd like to thank my mother for inspiring this meltdown post.

Mom: "Amanda, you should go google yesterday's Toronto Star."
Me in my head: OMG she's finally taken out an ad for me. Better yet, she's found a picture of me in the paper next to an article about fat people.
Me for real: "Why?"
Mom: "There was a great article in there about spinsters..and..."
Me: (Insert lack of blood to the brain and shortness of breath as I find the most appropriate words for this reccomendation...I slam my book shut and stand up and begin to storm upstairs while scream talking ) "MOM ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DID I JUST UNCONSCIOUSLY TURN TO YOU AND SAY "HEY MOM, I'M A SPINSTER, PLEASE HELP?"
Mom "Well that's the last time I try and help."
Me: "Jesus."

It would have been much easier if she could imply I was a spinster. These alternatives would be much better.

"Hey you remember you're going to die alone right?"
"Hey don't forget to pleasure yourself tonight, because no one else will. Ever."
"Hey don't forget to change the batteries in your boyfriend. He's your only hope."
"Hey should we get you a litter of cats tomorrow or Friday?"
"Hey your cat isn't the only thing that's furry. I see you've let yourself go. Might as well."

I'm sweating. No one needs to be called a spinster..especially before bed. Being alone with my thoughts in the daytime seems so much easier than at night. I guess I should go recharge my boyfriend.

Smooches,
Nanners

Apr 14, 2010

Got Gas?

This is the deepest of the questions that I have recieved so far. This one came from someone I know who has asked to remain nameless...

Dear Nanners,

"What do you do if you're getting a wax and you fart in the waxer's face."

Don't make eye contact and be lucky you didn't shart.

shart: a small, unintended blend of "shit" and "fart."

Nanners

Apr 13, 2010

Forbidden Fruit...

Anonymous writes:
I am 29 years old. I would like to think that I am attractive, out going, and educated
My problem is with men. Shocking! I have a HUGE problem of falling in love with guys who already have girlfriends or married men. I have never followed through with any of them, but have wanted to on a number of occasions.
My question is, what is my problem? Why do I keep falling in love with forbidden fruit? Am I just looking in the wrong places?

Flat out-you are wasting your time.

Falling for a guy whose penis has a another home is super shitty. Give yourself a shake sister. Been there done that. I'd like throw up all over my computer right now because I know what this feels like. Put the goods on lockdown because you should not act on any of it. In fact, go a little amazon for a while and stop shaving if you feel it will help you to resist the forbidden fruit.

If you keep falling for unavailable men, as painstaking as it may be, that's probably the way you consciously/unconsciously like it. 5 things could be happening with you:

1) You may like drama and panic attacks-because that's all it leads to;
2) You may also like the idea of unavailable men because you know that you still have your independence;
3) You may have a fear of being in a relationship and getting hurt so the unavailable guy is way easier because the chances are super slim that anything will come of it;
4) Something has happened in your past to make you not trust a man enough to get into your own healthy relationship-liking unavailable men are convenient for your lifestyle
5) You may be delusional and actually think that he's gonna leave her for you

If you keep this up, I promise you will find yourself with a one-way ticket to Lunaticville where you'll be appointed mayor.

My apologies if this was harsh, I am sure you're an awesome girl but share your vagina  awesomeness with someone who wants it.

Reccomended reading: He's Just Not That Into You
Reccomended movie: He's Just Not That Into You

Good luck,
Nanners

Apr 12, 2010

Face & Shoulders

About a month ago, I made the decision to return to my dermatologist after 4 years of dealing with the Rosacea on my face. (He's the one who gave me Botox without me knowing.) Anyway, I was tired of looking like a burn victim or as the nurse so eloquently put this morning, "you looked like someone who had been slapped in the face really really hard." Thanks.

As it turns out, upon further review of my face, my dermotologist has concluded that I don't have Rosacea. I know you are all shitting your pants with anticipation about what my skin condition is. Here's how it went down.

Doc-"Uhhh this isn't Rosacea."
Me-"Ummm, what is it then."
Doc-"Uhhh simply put, you have dandruff of the face."
Me-Insert silence.
Doc "So, just take this cream and rub it on your face and come back in two weeks. Take care."

Amazing. I have facial dandruff. What the fuck is facial dandruff? I leave my appointment and get in my car-Word of advice; no one should hear that they have dandruff of the face and drive alone. The entire way home I found myself unable to scream sing, plagued by my urgent mega-wish that there is an entire closeted community of facial dandruff sufferers...if I could only find them on Google.

I didn't...It gets much worse.

Upon revealing my secret to my girlfriends, I become the butt of jokes. As my BFF stated, "Maybe you could create your own cream...Face & Shoulders." Fucking comedian.

Getting back on track...this morning was my follow up appointment. The crazy redness in my face has subsided for the most part (in case you care). I just look like I am blushing now...nothing unusual. However, my doctor still wants to see if he can get the last of the redness so he prescribes me some pills. I just picked them up.Please look closely at my box below... This was prescribed for my face.






Let me get this straight...not only do I have dandruff of the face, but now apparently according to the description on the box (not in my box), my face has a yeast infection. I actually don't know what to do, other than the obvious...panic.

Nanners

Apr 11, 2010

Wrap it up...

If you didn't read my last post, then screw you I have decided to shell outadvice to my followers. Below is a question from a reader...followed by my advice.

Okay, so what would you do in this situation...I'm dating a guy for a bit - we're exclusive (although it was never spoken about, just assumed). One day he's being nice and helping me move stuff around in my bedroom. When moving my bed, up pops a (old, i.e. prior him) condom wrapper. Note: there's also several socks, bras and dust - so it's not like I had been under there cleaning in a long time (don't judge). We had stopped using condoms (stop judging). Am I obliged to say something i.e. reassure him that this was something pre-him??? (because I didn't - just laughed it off...)



Advice please :)
 
Dear Biggest Fan Ever,
 
First of all, it would be a god damn miracle if a guy found a condom wrapper under my bed...that would indicate that I was getting laid.

I would let him know that not only is under your bed normally clean, but so is your babymaker. No one likes a slut. Give him some sort of reassurance that your vajay-jay is a one penis woman. However, if it gets to a point that he is constantly needing reassurance, then I would evaluate the amount of trust he has in you.

Also,you technically haven't had the conversation about being exclusive so neither of you can just assume that eachother's privates are on lock-down.This could be your chance to discuss being exclusive (and to get an STD test) if that's what you both want or you could choose the route of blatantly ignoring this situation.

If by chance he starts acting like a giant man-child about this then I would take any personal effects that he has left at your place, and sell them on ebay.

Hope this helps.

Warmest fuzzies,
Nanners




 

Dear Nanners

A good friend (also the sluttiest), asked me to start an advice column on my blog. As I am somewhat famous for giving advice and making really bad decisions I thought...why not?. Here's how it works: (I figure I would explain in great detail for my dumbest friends.) You post a question in the comment field or if you are blessed enough to have my contact info then email, text, call, pin, facebook me or sleep with  me.

Nothing is off topic.