I've had a ton of time to reflect on my life since I've been lying here for nearly 4 months and as of late I've been thinking a lot about the good ol' days. It's a goddamn miracle I graduated STD free and without child. Remember the wait for an STD test? I think it took like a week didn't it? A week that felt like an eternity. I would do random vag checks and google searches to convince myself of a 1000 abnormalities before that long awaited week was over. When it would come back clean, I would go buy fudge from the market across the street from the STD clinic. Makes sense.
I would drink until 4am Tuesday-Sunday and miraculously get up at the crack of dawn in time to
The ski weekends were pretty pimp. A ton of us would all load up on a school bus, get shit faced and drive up north. One weekend in particular, I thought it would be fab idea to bring a 60 ouncer of rye and a 12 pack of beer...and finish it in 2 days all by myself like any class act would. (How very Courtney Love of me, I know.)
Anyway, on the last night, some of my friends thought it would be a great idea to smoke some pot in my girlfriends car (also known as "hotboxing") and although I didn't smoke it at the time I had major FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) so I jumped in the car....
An hour later I was found in a closet eating a bagel by myself. Enough said.
Three of my girlfriends and I shared a room in the chalet that night. When I was finally convinced that bed was a good idea, I went. The room had one giant bunk bed. I was on the bottom with my girlfriend Mel while Kim and Katie were up top. I really, really wish I wasn't on the bottom as it may have prevented the story I'm about to share or at least I think it would've.
As a girl who has had a TON of cocktails I OBVS would have to get up and pee in the middle of the night... right? Well, I did. Only I peed on the floor. Of our room. In front of everyone.
I must have been high off my ass because I had no idea that I had gotten out of bed, stood in the centre of the room, pulled down my pajama pants and copped a squat right there. It was only until the sound of my mega loud pissing awoke Kim on the top bunk that shit got real. (Please note, I sincerely believed I was in the washroom sitting on the toilet.)
Kim: " NAAANNNNERS? What the fuck are you doing?" She grabbed her glasses and flicked on the light.
Me: (With a serious attitude) "Ummmmmmm I'm pissing. What does it look like?"
It was at that moment I thought there was no way that God existed. Because if he did, he would have pulled up my fucking pajama bottoms or made me spontaneously combust.
I had awoken mid-pee and I could not physically stop. By this time, lights on, the girls were up and screaming at me:
"NANNERS don't piss on my purse"
"NANNERS....our clothes are getting wet, stop peeing!!"
"Get a towel you idiot!!"
"Why wouldn't you go to the washroom??! OMG what is happening? Why are you doing this?"
Those are phrases that are burnt into my memory until this day. I can still see the commotion happening all around me while I sat there frozen in the middle of the room peeing. In fact I was peeing so fiercely that the speed of my pee was making it splash up around me on my ankles. It was like my own little terrorist attack of urine.
Finally, I decided my bladder was empty and that was enough embarrassment for one night. I calmly and silently stood up, pulled up my pajama bottoms and got back in bed.
When I got into bed there was an eery silence. For a moment I thought this was all a vivid nightmare. There was no way that just happened. No one was yelling at me, lights were off and I was somewhat at peace. I closed my eyes and within 30 seconds the top bunk was shaking so hard from scream laughing that I thought it would collapse on me. Fuck. It was real.
My very stern response to the scream laughter was, "it's not that funny." And I didn't speak another word until we got in the car to go home the next morning.
I have never lived this down.