I'm kinda shitting my pants about going into the real world. It's been me, YouPorn, Percocets and these 4 walls for the past 4 months. The only time I really left my apartment was to go to the hospital and doctors appointments-as it turns out when you're addicted to Percocets, you require more medical attention. Who knew? Anyway, anytime I leave the house total strangers feel compelled to comment on my cast and crutches, which at first I didn't mind but after months and months of hearing the exact same comments over and over... I've become one edgy bitch. I think
no sex 3 hours of sleep in 4 months will do that to you.
Since writing is my outlet and I could never dream of ever saying what I'm really thinking to a complete stranger, I wanted to share with you the most common comments I've gotten all summer and what I'm REALLY thinking and desperately want to say, but would never.
Stranger: "Oh, that cast looks like it's hot!"
Nanners: "Actually, I have a fan in my vagina that shoots cool air right down my leg and into my cast, so I'm good. Of course it's fucking hot asshole. I think sleeping in a lit barbeque would be cooler."
Stranger: "Wow that looks painful!"
Nanners: "Nah! I'm actually doing this for attention, but what I'd really like to discuss is how painful my period is. Do you have a minute? It's like there are little tiny ninjas marching up my fallopian tubes into my uterus and beating me to a slow death. AND not to mention, you should see the giant maxi-pad I'm wearing. Did you know they make plus size pads? They are essentially pads for fat people. You know the ol' saying " the bigger the girl, the bigger her snatch." What the fuck is that about? Oh and I haven't even told you the worst part! The other day I had a pad on while I was at the doctors office and I sat down too quickly and it made a "pffffffffffft" sound so everyone was staring at me like a balloon just deflated in my pants. Isn't that just awesome?"
Stranger: "Oh man, I know how you feel, I sprained my ankle once and it was not fun."
Nanners: "Really? That sucks, I bet the sprain hurt most when you were WALKING to the Dr's office. OH and it probably hurt more when you were dancing and doing shots at the bar with your friends a week later! Jesus, I feel so bad for you! Hopefully you got a chance to practice your British accent when you were stuck in bed for one day! I was in bed for 4 months so mine is pretty fantastic. Hey wait, did your pee hole shift when you fell? Mine did. Does it cause you to pee straight out and not down? I could imagine it would be pretty hard cleaning your urine off the bathroom floor with the use of both your legs. OMG, wait, did you launch into the fiercest panic attacks getting into your shower all summer thinking that your landlord would find you and your saggy tits lifeless and sopping wet on your bathroom floor? Oh sorry, you could probably stand to shower. My bad. Holy shit, did you gain so much weight from not moving that you're starting to look like Precious? I did.
Nanners: "Fuck off."
I seem so pleasant don't I? Just like the kinda girl a guy would want to bring home to mom.
Well, wish me luck and please pray for any stranger that gets in my way this week. I have no problem taking someone out with a crutch.