Just like Snoop Dogg, "I dropped it like its hot" last weekend, and have found myself to be one fierce, hot mess this week. (Oops sorry! I meant Snoop Lion. Whoa, clearly I'm the idiot here.)
Inspired by an un-Godly taste in my mouth while rotting on my couch last Sunday, I felt inspired to google diseases that could possibly cause "shitty tastes in your mouth." Ignoring the fact that my newly contracted mouth disease could have been Saturday night's 4 shots of tequila, 273 beers and a bottle of wine, I naively turned to WebMD to learn my fate. Well, according to WebMD it's quite possible the foul taste in my mouth was a reaction to me eating my twin in the womb, or a plethora of other diseases such as: Syphilis, Elephantitis, Malaria, Shingles, Clone-killing Nanovirus, Cooties, Dragon Flu, The Plague, Black Lung disease, Scarlet Fever, Skin lice, Vaginitis and Scurvy...all ideal options!
If my words, didn't quite paint the picture of how I've been feeling, I'd like to turn it over to
me in 2 years minus the penisMr. Bob Wiley....
My nuttiness eventually landed me in the dentist's chair yesterday, since I called and complained of some phantom jaw pain which mysteriously disappeared once I sat down. Now, if you're anything like me, I loathe going to the fucking dentist. (My dentist and his staff are actually really wonderful people, I just hate getting drilled in the mouth
said me, never....I'm leaving that one alone because I'm a lady.) Come to think of it, I don't think I've said the word dentist without using the word "fuck" in it since I was um...8? Right Mom? (*Please note- my Mom now calls me and starts conversations like this:
" So, I got into your website the other day...." Followed by a long eery silence.
My mother doesn't have the heart to tell me I write like a foul mouthed hooker, so she just opts for the long silence option, which lets every child on earth know that their parents kinda hate them.
Naturally, as I sat in the chair staring directly into the bright, shiny mouth lamp with the brightness of 10,000 burning suns, SO many thoughts crossed my mind...
Whoa! My gag reflexes have definitely improved, I'm so lucky!
What day is it and where is my period? If I am pregnant I would name my daughter "Lil' Babs" and my son "Muskrat Love."
Imagine Channing Tatum was in the waiting room shirtless?
Why do porn sites have a "like" on Facebook option?
I'm so sick of Pope jokes.Whoa, this hygenist has great eyelashes.God, Morgan Freeman is so great.
I wonder if my right boob will eventually grow to the size of the left one?
If I opened a restaurant that only served Kraft Dinner and Pinot, would it succeed?
Let's play a game, who is your daddy and what does he do? (Please re-read in Schwarzenegger accent)
What if I like, actually projectile vomited right now?
I bet that tall guy at the bus stop will try and abduct me one day.
Imagine this ceiling collapsed and I had to rescue everyone? I bet they'd make a movie about me. Whatever happened to Monica Lewinsky?
I'm gonna try and not swear until 3pm today. HahahahahahahahahahaWhat if that man with the bag full of bacon on the bus was my soul mate? I just let him slip though my fingers...
I should really start using a calendar and stop just "hoping" that I remember important events.
I'm only gonna eat lettuce this week.
Well if I'm only gonna eat lettuce, I need to finish the 3 boxes of Kraft dinner in my cupboard by Sunday night at 12am.
I would love to dance right now.
Well, if you didn't think I was a raging lunatic before, I'm sure you do now.