Nov 17, 2013

"Hi I'm Dave. LOL"

The man of my dreams is probably out there, but I'm sure he's tied up banging prostitutes and scoring smack behind a dumpster somewhere. That's okay, I'll wait. What's another 32 years? In the meantime, I'll just keep busy with eating microwaveable meatballs for breakfast, looking for missing socks in my apartment, and watching The Notebook on repeat. And if you think I'm kidding...

Actually, scratch that,, I'm not ALWAYS watching The Notebook.Yes I am. Ryan Gosling is in my heart and soul and makes my lady bits tingle.  Okay, maybe I don't watch it everyday, but I at least have it on in the background while I read the messages I've received from satan himself  men, in my online dating account.  (Oh and let's not forget to acknowledge the occasional woman who messages me, which I'm secretly beginning to entertain, but only if she looks and acts like Ellen Degeneres.) 
However, there is nothing on the planet that annoys me more then getting a shady, creepy, poorly written message from a potential one night stand suitor.
From my experience, NO ONE in the online dating world seems to use proper punctuation, or at least the shady shits that message me don't. Now I'm the first one to admit that a lot of my text messages look like this most days:
"Hey! f;adiang mall dfkladi like whatever adn I looks dkafdi. xo" 
BUT, I do know that you end a sentence with a period or some form of fucking punctuation. Like "!" or "?" or "."  One of my favourite members of the punctuation family is "!", which I've been using a lot lately. Oh and I've even began to pair it with the ever wonderful "?" To look something like this: "?!!!" That's a sweet combo if I've ever seen one. Join me for some real life samples below as I take you through my responses to messages in my online dating mailbox. 

"Where is your shirt in that pic and why are you naked in your bathroom mirror?!!!" 
"Wow!! I love your '95 Honda and your giant neck tattoo!!!"
"Whoa! Nice penis! What time are you picking me up?!!!"
"Are those 6 cats yours in the pic?!!! Sweet." 
"Oh I'm okay thanks! I don't need you to put that in any orfus of my body." 
"I love that you have a joint hanging out the side of your mouth in your profile pic!!!" 
"How much did that grill in your mouth cost?!!! 
Another thing that makes me want to light my couch on fire, is how often people over use "LOL" in the online dating community. It actually illicits a physical reaction in my body when someone writes "LOL" when nothing is funny. I need no more words. Michael Scott says it best. *For effect, please picture me sitting pantless on my couch eating a box of lettuce and scream crying while uttering these words.

Anyway back to more LOL'ing. Truthfully, what prompted me to write an angry paragraph on the improper use of laughing out louds, was last night's message from a jackass named Dave, whose username was "Areyoumysoulmate69." First, even reading my email alert that someone with the username "Areyoumysoulmate69", had sent me a message, made me impulsively try and detach the screen from my laptop, but being truly underwhelmed with life at the moment, I opened it. It read: 

"Hi I'm Dave. Lol" 
Hey Dave, what the fuck is so funny about that sentence?? Is your birth name Dave Lol? Are you Mr. Lol? Do you sign cheques as Dave Lol? Because if it is, it is pretty fucking hilarious that your last name is Lol. What are the chances? I really hope Dave's computer spontaneously fell into a sink hole and his index fingers shattered and turned into dust. If you're wondering whether or not I actually responded to Mr. Lol, my answer is "No. Lol." I have never and will never respond to an unwarranted LOL.Because I'm too busy crying and eating hot dogs.

In August, my cousin, in an attempt to find me a +1 for future Christmas dinners, baptisms and funerals, signed me up for yet another online dating account. Sweet. Double penetration! The joy of this site is, it actually gives you a % of how well you're matched with other members. Sweet! Within seconds of signing up, I was shocked to find out that I was 98% compatible with 23704237 users! WHAT?! DREAMS DO COME TRUE. THERE ARE THAT many soulmates out there for me?!!! So obvi, I picked myself off the floor, dropped my hotdog, and investigated my future ex-husbands....
Well, upon further investigation, it became evident that their so-called "matching" system is based on the most basic, simplest, commonalities, and they enjoy updating you 78 times a day to let you know that you're not alone, and that the meatball to your spaghetti is just a click away:

"Amanda! John likes breathing, you like breathing too!" 100% Match
"Amanda! Ryan has 2 arms, you have arms too!" 98% Match
"Amanda! Blake eats food, you eat food too!" 99% Match

OMG. I'm becoming so angry right now even thinking about this. I literally have chest pains and I'm about to pop a Life brand sleeping pill. (For my American friends, Life brand is a lower budget drugstore brand and in my case it signifies how little money I have. Do you feel bad for me?) If I'm lucky, I'll pop it now and I should start to feel relaxed/sleepy in about 7 hours when my alarm goes off for work. Sweet. Life's working out. 

Anyway, I actually have to go wash my Proactive mask off my face and finish up on the crying I started earlier. Love ya bitches. 


PS. I hope my married friends and readers are happy and enjoying cuddling with their loved ones tonight. LOL.

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