Dec 14, 2014

Dear 2014, Suck It.

Well, despite Tinder's best efforts to give me an STD in 2014, I'm proud to report I escaped that, (just barely), so I thought I'd celebrate with a blog post. Hell, I've got nothing else to do on a Sunday night because Tinder, Match, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish and E-Harmony and God provided me with a bunch of pencil dick weirdos. #YOLO.

Moving my late night therapy appointment.

Anyway, the holidays are a superb time to reflect on your year, remember you're totally alone and to eat a shit ton of sausage rolls....oh and cookies...can't forget the cookies. Actually, a few Saturdays ago I ate an entire tray of cookies for breakfast then I immediately googled 'HOW FAST CAN YOU GET DIABETES??'. I actually thought I had rabies by the end of the day because I was literally foaming at the mouth and my eyes were rolling back in my head. That sounds like most of my dates this year.

Okay, back on track. Fuck, I love cookies. 

The other morning when I was in the shower 'reflecting' which is also code for 'masturbating', just kidding, mom! So I was in the shower thinking about how fast the holidays are approaching and how this is yet again another year that I'm flying solo at the Christmas dinner table....Fun! Actually, truth is, I couldn't imagine introducing any of my dates to my family anyway. 
"Hey Mom, meet Mike. He's the albino that cat-fished me and posted fake photos on his Plenty of Fish account, tried to get a discount on his beer at the restaurant and stuck me with the bill! We're in love!"

So obvi the tears started streaming down my face in the shower, (but more so because I cut myself shaving which caused me to look like an extra in Saving Private Ryan) but some of it was inspired by the thought of being one year closer to getting a crate of cats. 

Post shower meltdown and in an effort to make myself feel better, I told myself that despite all the bullshit ups and downs I had this year, I had learned a lot about myself and that experience is valuable...blah blah blah. So I created a list of what I learned and thought I'd share it here. 

Men can be real dickish- Men, don't get your panties in a twist, not all of you are shitbags- my friends have managed to scoop up some good ones. But I on the other hand have not had the pleasure. Speaking of pleasure, I could totally go for some sex right about now.  If you're stupid, and need an explanation as to what constitutes as 'dickish' behaviour, my favourite example is quite simple, but yet oh so very hard for some men: RETURNING A TEXT. It's astounding to me how someone can disappear into the abyss during a conversation via text and then resurface to answer your question 7 weeks later and then ask me to have sex. Sorry, that doesn't make me tingle in my panties. Did your fingers spontaneously turn into dust? Did you get hijacked? Seriously, where the fuck have you been?

I still hate olives-I'm learning that the world is filled with olives and I can't avoid them. The taste. The smell. Ugh. I dry heave in Loblaws when I walk by that bar that has the olives and shit out in the open. 

I'll probably always be poor- Even when I think I have money it disappears right out of my account. Magic!

I used the phrase 'Are you fucking kidding me?' approximately 468293 times this year. I said it when I got stood up, when most of my dates started and ended, when I accidentally threw my wallet in a dumpster, when my last date pulled down his pants and he had a micro penis, when I got stuck in the subway for an hour with a heavy nasal breather, when I got trapped in my elevator, when I discovered someone was charging $250 dollar cab rides on my Visa and when I face planted in a pile of snow only to discover there was a giant rock under it. You know, the very mundane, everyday kind of stuff. 

I can do 10 good pushups and my arms will still hurt for 3 weeks. 

My pizza delivery guy is probably about the only person really, truly gets me. 

I can sleep with my eyes open-I know this because an old guy in accounting used to enjoy telling me about his vegetable garden for at least 45 minutes each week. I don't know what kind of look I had on my face the first time he told me about his vegetable garden, it must have been my "carrots make me horny" look because he kept coming back. 

I can drink on Saturday night and be hungover until Wednesday- My seemingly rapidly aging body just can't handle it no more. I'm secretly hoping to magically Benjamin Button but that ain't happening.

I love cooking- Prior to 2014, my cooking involved me melting an assortment of cheeses on the contents of my fridge or eating a jar of Nutella. I'm happy to report, I'm like the next Gordon Ramsey, but with less forehead wrinkles. 

Public Transit will be listed as my cause of death on my future autopsy report- If you're unfamiliar with our public transit system, Jesus must be watching over you. Because those who take it day in and day out like me, are certainly being served some sort of karmic backlash. These motherfuckers that get on the subway eating egg salad sandwiches then belching in your face while wearing their backpack that keeps hitting you will certainly have a special spot in hell. I promise you. 

Everyone has babies- I know this because Facebook tells me this 4324 times a day. Thanks!!!

I still miss Whitney Houston- That's just an indescribable feeling. Jesus is her bodyguard now. 

I'm love coffee- Coffee is also the latin word for penis. I actually just started drinking coffee for the first time in my life 3 months ago and I gotta say, it's pretty effing tasty. I can't wait for coffee stained teeth. 

I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for- That's just a hard and fast fact. They've taught me everything I know about being a bitch. 

Well, there you have it. Those are some deep fucking thoughts. 

Until next time.