Oct 20, 2015

Mayday! Red Flags.

Hey, it's me... I started dating again...

*That's a pic of me when I found out 90210 was cancelled, but it's eerily similar to how I feel about dating.

In case you're an idiot (or if you're a reader that is colour blind -I'm not referring to you, you can't help it), this is a picture of red flags.

According to my handy friends on Google, red flags typically symbolize:

red flag

1. A warning signal.
2. Something that demands attention or provokes an irritated reaction. 
Red flags are usually something my brain tells me to overlook when it comes to adventures of the heart (and panties), and you would think that by being a veteran in the dating community, that I would have this shit figured out by now... But that would be FALSE. 
Wait, before I go any further I should probably share some blatant "red flag" examples in dating that I shouldn't ignore some of my friends have experienced. Particularly my friend Trixie, what a slut.
* Texting him and not hearing back for days because he's cancelled his date with you to take his ex-girlfriend to Cuba. That's okay, fucker. I'm Scottish and I burn easy anyway.
* Getting ready for your date and he tells you to meet him at the casino because he's only gambled 4 out of 7 days this week. 
* A guy sitting on your couch off and on for an entire year telling you alllll about his ex fiance who had a baby with someone else while they were engaged. UGGHHHHHH
* A guy who literally ghosts you. (A.K.A The Pussy).  Leave him be and never send a follow up text to see if he's been kidnapped by Pablo Escobar's associates. And as much as you wish this was the truth, he's just not that into you. (AT LEAST THIS IS WHAT MY FRIENDS IN MY YAHOO INTERNET CHAT GROUP TOLD ME). So, focus on your pie eating contest or your stamp collection. Your dignity and kitties will love you for it in the long run. **MAYDAY this is a steep learning curve.
* Or one of my faves, this jackass below who likes question games! 
PHEW! He then proceeds to ask what area of the city you live in and if you have a car, so you laugh it off and think. "Haha, he can't be that bad,  those are some legit questions. "
Dummm de dum dum dummmmmmmm!!!!
If you can't figure out which question I'm referring to, you must leave my page and get on the hunt for the pack of wolves that raised you.
These aren't even a quarter of poor Trixie's  dating experiences, but she feels too much like the world's most gullible girl to ever share them on one fucking page. So Trixie is currently sitting on her couch eating meatballs to soothe her soul.
As my number one fan and love life commentator (my mom) likes to tell me, "You're too fucking soft, stop responding to these men.  You wear your heart on your sleeve and by the way you better not be having sleepovers with these men."
I usually respond with, "maybe you didn't hug me enough as a child?"
Then my mom gets all like:
And then I'm all like:
*That's me on the phone drinking a gin martini and ordering pizza
But, eventually I pull my big girl panties up and realize that the sad reality is, my mom is right I really may have an STD  I need to stop entertaining this bullshit.
BUT....when it comes to dating, as a whole, (yes, I may be a cross between Bridget Jones and Lindsay Lohan, but I'm still worth it- my therapist told me so), I'm wildly irritated by the texting habits of this dating generation.

Did you know texting was a game?? I was under the assumption that things such as football and Mario Kart qualified as games, but no. To my surprise texting is a game, even in your 30's! #blessed
I must have been sick the day that Satan came up into the school yard and gathered all the little boys and told them that if a girl ever texts you and asks "How are you doing?", that's a leading indicator that she wants to have your babies and she could be hiding in your bushes. Dear men, please calm the fuck down and get over yourselves - it's a text, not a legal binding contract.
"Waaaaa but I don't wanna text her back"
Meanwhile in reality we're:
"Pffft what text? I'm so busy having fun drinking with my friends that I forgot I texted him."
Then there is another group of sub-people: The LMFAO'ers:  Oh Jesus. I have a real problem with the overuse of  "LOL" and I've previously written about this experience here. However, I've noticed amongst my most recent interaction with men (or at least the ones that want to date me, yay) that there is a serious LMFAO epidemic and it needs to stop. 
This is LMFAO
.....Did the group LMFAO recently explode in popularity? Or is what I'm saying so hilarious that I need my own HBO comedy special? And please, how many of you are seriously LOL'ing your way through your day? Never mind LMFAO'ing. If this is the case, then why are we still struggling with world peace with all this laughing??? 
"Hey Amanda, how are you? LMFAO."
"Hey Mike, are you really laughing your fucking ass off when you inquire about my well being?"
Ugh. Yesterday I actually contemplated dropping my phone into a boiling pot of hot water, but then subsequently realized I don't have enough rice in the cupboard to fix it. And truthfully, what if an LMFAO'er texted? Or the elusive one that disappeared 4 months ago has finally wrapped up his gang bang and sees my worth?
I know all men aren't this bad, my best friends have snatched up the good ones, and I have guy friends that continually dispel this myth for me. But, if there is one decent one left out there for me, wherever he is,  he's getting a giant fucking slap in the face when we meet for putting me through all this.
Night bitches,