Apr 10, 2017

How to date a dip shit.

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. Ugh. So what better way to lighten the mood than to write about the deep dicking advenutres of Nanners   my wackiest experiences in dating, because hey- Monday ain't shit enough.

I took a selfie this morning which helps articulate my feelings on life, love and dating, btw.

                                                   Working on my contour game.

Anyhoodle, in August I got my heart smashed like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titantic when that bitch Kate, said "whatevs, I'll float on the entire door and you can drown", and it's been a real fucking treat dating since then, let me tell  you.  I won't sit here and list all of them, like the one who made me put my beer which was $6 dollars on my debit card, and I'm pretty sure it's because he told me he doesn't like women who swear so I responded with "are you fucking serious" and I don't think Papi liked that. But hey, that $6 beer was so worth the hour long story he told me about how much he hated Lowes hardware and how he re-tiled his whole house by himself! Well if that doesn't make me tingle in my panties I don't know what does.

Then, there was the red neck that took me to the Keg and bought me the most expensive meal of my life then I quickly realized it was because he wanted to tickle me with his pickle, while we listened to obnoxiously loud country music from only God's finest talent in his truck. I'm not divulging if his attempt actually worked but I will divulge that Plan B did.

There were many more in between....trust me, this is not me fucking bragging, I would have much rather stuck my head in my oven than wasted my time contouring my face for these dip shits.

In life there is a phrase commonly known as "HITTING THE JACKPOT", which I believe in fact has happened to me and you'll understand when I share this story.

It was a dark and stormy night and my date was 40 minutes late - yesssss my favourite. Tardiness totally erects my nipples.

As I sat on my couch plowing my way through my bottle of $8 dollar pinot grigio and watching Say Yes to The Dress and waiting for my very first date with prince charming, my phone rang. Oh look! It was the guy that was supposed to be here 40 minutes ago! How nice.

****Read in deep cave man-back woods voice: He literally SCREAM talked, because you know how people on speaker phone think people on the other end just need people who are driving in a silent car to scream to communicate? Yeah, so he did that.
"HEY, AMANDA?
"Yes"
"SHIT I'M PRETTY FUCKING LATE EH?"
"Yeah no worrries, traffic must have been crazy"
"ACTUALLY NO, IT WAS A FUCKING BREEZE. I WAS JUST HAVING SOME BUDDIES OVER FOR SOME BEERS."
*Me silently pistol whipping him in his head*
"That's cool, well why.....
(Cuts me off)
"I REALLY GOTTA PISS EH?? CAN I COME UP WHEN I GET THERE.
*Me silently wishing the roof would collapse on me*
"Sure. No problem"

So, he comes up, I open the door and he scream yells "HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. SHIT." (I realized at this point that scream talking was his actual voice).
*Barrels right passed me into my apartment*
"WELL SHIT, THIS IS A FUCKING NICE APARTMENT!! RIGHT ON. RIGHT ON.
"Washroom is on your right."

While he was classily "taking a piss" I peaked in my closet to see if Ashton Kutcher was about to jump out to tell me I was being Punk'd or perhaps there was that murderer I've been waiting for, but no dice -just a bunch of shirts half on the hanger and a suitcase stuffed with clean laundry because I'm fucking lazy and don't want to put it away.

So he opens the door from the washroom, walks out into my living room and reaches into both of the pockets of his leather jacket, and whips out 2 tall cans of Heineken and scream asks "WANT A FUCKING BEER. ONE FOR THE ROAD EH?!"

"Wow you have beer in your pocket!"
"YUP. I SURE FUCKING DO AND THERE'S MORE IN THE TRUCK. LOL"

Sweet fuck.

So we sit on my couch as I literally chug my beer like my vagina was on fire, where he proceeded to tell me his brother is homeless, his life is hard because he makes about $0 a pay cheque. he's got a bunch of joints rolled in his pocket, and I was his first date in 15 years.


It's gonna be a long fucking night. 

Eventually in what feels like an eternity, we finish our beers, he tells me this is the best night of his life already and then we head out to a classy wing joint, where he made sure that we sat at an unreasonably large table for 2 people because guess what? "WE'RE GONNA ORDER A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD, EH? LOL" 

My body just suddered recalling this moment. 

So, naturally as a Gemini, I can carry a conversation *flicks hair* (which I did) as he asked me no questions about myself and he stared at me like a deer in headlights as he simultaneously shoved 2 deep fried pickles in his mouth. Mmmmm god he's sexy. Anyway, as I continued to talk to myslef more or less, intermittently dreamed of going on a 5 state killing spree and giving the waitress this look,
he decided it would be the best idea ever to exist on the planet if he called his mom...during dinner. 
I recall laughing and saying "that's cool if you want to call your mom NO ITS NOT, but I'll just go to the washroom. 
"OH NO, YOU'RE FUCKING STAYING. LOL SHE'S GONNA WANT TO TALK TO YOU." 
"Ummmm I don't think that's necessary....
And before I could finish my sentence, "MOM, YEAH IT'S ME. YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHERE I AM?  ON A DATE AND SHE'S REAL FUCKING PRETTY. HERE, TALK TO HER! 

****passes me the phone******

Me:  

So I began talking to his mom, who was really quite pleasant as I stared at my date who was smiling   and nodding his head and eating pretty much all of the legs (my favourite chicken wings). 

But it doesn't stop there.... 

As if calling his mother wasn't enough....we called his brother...remember the homeless one who lives outside of a church downtown and did I mention he was addicted to methamphetamine? You're also probably wondering how we called a homeless guy but he pays for his brother's cell phone with his $0 pay cheque. Well, that was a real treat talking to him!!! A treat for the ears and the soul, when I couldn't understand a god damn word coming out of his mouth, but I'm sure he was just lovely!! 

At this point, I consumed a large amount of alcohol since he ordered us 2 pitchers to start... so I agreed to play ping pong with him downstairs at the bar, in which it turned out he just grabbed the paddle from someone who was playing and taking over their game. Manners make my panties wet! While all this was happening, I was in the washroom trying to flush my head down the toilet. Actually it was more like a scene out of that movie where Jodi Foster gets trapped in that panic room, but you get my drift.  His ping pong game lasted about an hour in which I began to consume shots to numb the pain and make friends with the 22 year old college students at the table across from us, who were "totes, maj fun."

After totally hijacking their game followed by playing a round of forced pool, we decided we should probably go because the general public no longer needs to see this mess. But my favourite part of leaving, was being chased out by the waitress claiming we didn't pay for our wings...which I in fact know we did....OH! Jackass, ordered 3 LBS to go while I was in the washroom....which I ended up paying for. That's okay, who needs rent money? 

As we walked back to my place, it occurred to me that this gentleman couldn't actually drive a car, so I did the unthinkable and made the worst Dateline amateur move....and let him stay at my place. I know, I know. 


Upon changing in the washroom into my fleece, head to-toe snowflake pyjamas, slapping on my chastity belt, and removing my makeup to make me less appealing, I found my gentleman caller buck naked, standing in my living room at my patio door, smoking a cigarette... in my favourite furry pink slippers. I literally took one look at him said "Jesus Christ," grabbed a chicken wing and got in bed. 

He proceeded to follow me into my room and sees me eating a chicken wing, in my bed and looks at me and says "HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A FUCKING SAVAGE EH? EATING CHICKEN WINGS IN BED LOL" 

I camly look at him with wing sauce on my face and said "you know John, me eating a chicken wing in bed is quite possibly the most normal fucking thing that's happened tonight". 

Lights out. 

And that my friends, is how you date.